its a big, big world!

Geez, and the famous (or infamous) vals day has come n gone.

True, i roasted in the real sense of it buuuut.....i was asked out on a date that went well and he's cute :D

I actually forgot to call my family, can you imagine that but they called me eventually and i could just burst with all the love. It felt so good!

Took my mind back to a particular vals day may years ago when i was really little...my grandma gave me and my siblings a really big atlas (the name was "its a big big world" actually...lol). Yeah, i know, i have talked about this atlas a lot on twitter because i loved it a lot

The thing about this atlas was it was my childhood companion. You may think thats pathetic as a growing child, no friends, parties or things but i tell you it was wonderful to be able to play all sorts of games with my siblings with the atlas. We practically studied it and i must tell you the information was priceless. As a matter of fact, we didnt realize we were missing out on anything(at least i didnt). We were just too happy because almost all our breaks were spent in grandma's house and you know how grandmas are with children. Discipline n d purest love.

Yesterday when i thought of my gifts through the years, that atlas came to mind and i smiled from my heart because that atlas from her was the best gift ever. Now shes older and so are we but we are still so attached to her apron strings (and so is my mum, she's my maternal grandma). I had called the family and gisted with all of them, and it wasnt till now that it clicked what was missing yesterday.....i did not place a call to her...i wonder what i can give her but i know she has no use for gifts now and the good thing is, it wont be too late when i make that call.

I love my grandma and she is my valentine! :)

Many Waters Under the Bridge

Wow....I can almost see the dust on my blog page...lol

I havent been here in a while and i dont know why that is because i have actually had a lot of time on my hands. Lets just say "kiimora" (am nt used to it...lol). but i now intend to be back here actively. just going to put down a bunch of stuff....randomly

I can say i have had a wonderful post-grad phase so far....done stuff i had not done before (at least, i finally saw the inside of a club...late bloomer, yeah)...good and bad (okay, cant quite remember the good part).

I had a wonderful break in ATL with @missbalance and lotanna...wonderful sistas

Although, i returned home with not just bags of clothes n shoes but a nasty $500 phonebill which i really didnt plan for. Very pissing.

However, i have by God's grace managed to keep my head. my friends have not even changed. i guess i am not that good at keeping people

Recently, i noticed my fuse is shorter. people piss me off faster...not very good

My cousins think i have no emotions. i dont believe that. but my actions and reactions of recent give me concern...they may be right....i am becoming too much like my dad...cold.

i have had those growing up mother-daughter issues with my mum back to back in the last two months but we are coping.

i am serving in abuja and staying with my cousins who are normally wonderful but other times, i just want to shoot one of them...lol

i joined twitter thanks to @missbalance

i am really running through some information about guys in my head because they are now really in my line of focus and i am discovering quite somethings about them.....i must say not very good.....they are actually worrisome.

for some strange reason, it just dawned on me that i have been single officially since i think July 2007....thats funny actually. or not

i have also confirmed that i have committment issues....i think i overthink the whole process and then get freaked out...hence cherishing the comfort of "just friends" n nothing more....maybe am just a chicken...

i have had this close friend since 2008 (we share a not so neat history) and i recently blasted him and threw him outta my life...good and bad...i kinda dont care.

i think i live too "maturely" and principled (i still have my fair share of crazy tho)...my mates are living hecka crazy and am like wow...but in truth, i just cant get with it...

i miss my family....i decided to pack up and move down to abuja for nysc and i am here without them

right now, am thinking....sunday will be my 22nd valentine's day....am i will also roast ...just like the previous years (okay i got a package once)....

okthanksbye!

end of the road...almost

yay!!! am back...feels good. i guess that's a Happy New Year.i love this year

based on inspiration from my blogville mentor, BROWN SUGAR, i'll like to say i share her feelings about this year, itss huge and its right here. i am graduating this year and inasmuch as i have been waitin all my life for this year, its kinda scary cos i think i that there is no amount of preparation that will be enough for the life ahead. i definitely prayed enterin' this year like my life depended on it (duh, it def does) but i still feel like "is that enough?". in a way, i feel like i am not ready (which is stupid because i can't wait to get the hell outta this freakin' school)

maybe what scares me the most is the impending freedom, becos i grew up under close supervision from primary school to boarding school and straight to advanced boarding school a.k.a my university (yeah, u guessed rite, Covenant). i didnt have a problem with it before as such until i went on IT and i realised that to say the least, my life had been in a cage and i didnt know it. i have definitely come a long way since then. a lot about my life was put to test and i didnt always do well. i think it depends on how i look at it tho.

basically, i am about to graduate and am 21 and my parents do not realise that i should be given the chance to understand what to do with freedom (my curfew is like what, 6:30 - 7:00) and i am annoyingly single and extremely judgemental and skeptical about guys (cos they always cheat) and scared of marriage, not relationships tho...funny rite (because i spent a week at home alone with my dad and it was extremeeeeeeeely boring. now that's just one week. think of a year with somebody and then a lifetime...its nasty!...lol) but i can't stop thinkin of my perfect life and family with this drop dead gorgeous hunk of a dude who loves me silly and spoils the crap outta me(uuuuh, i can just see him now)...lol.

BTW, i have a track record of two relationships and one stupid fling(but was the best of all three tho but also the worst), all of which never spanned a lifetime of more than 6months each...talk about a trend.

right now, i dont really have a solid plan career-wise which makes it unclear as to where i wanna end up and my spiritual standing is unsatisfactory to me which makes it seem like every other thing is shot to freakin ****. does it get worse? ...yeah,

i roasted on my 21ST VALENTINE DAY!!!

lollllll.....catchya l8r!

Black or White

exams r come n gone but the silly project just wont go away...but thank God my cringe is way behind me!!!

to more serious issues, i feel lazy, like the very thing that used to drivve me is missing and i cant understand it...i cant belive i didnt go for shiloh, even if i was ill, (it wont be the first time that i was ill during shiloh)...n this time i know am not being too hard on myself or beating myself up for nothing. there was just no excuse.

the mornin devotion at home doesnt hold anymore and i used to be in charge of that. what happened??? true, i was workin and i wasnt at home, my mum was always travellin n my dad just had a different schedule but i could still have gotten it to happen (i think)

i used to look forward to just prayer meetings, or just any spiritual gathering but now i also look forward to outings that have just fun n relaxation value (catchin a movie, somewhere i have to dress up to etc?).

i used to devote all my extra time to reading strictly spiritual books (no novels AT ALL) but now, i find those books on business, investments, financial issues and topics like that very interesting

i used to wake up at like 5am to watch Creflo Dollar, Joyce Meyer etc on TBN and the pray for like an hour but now, i find that am awake till about 4am watchin the apprentice...and then i sleep! not even an hour of prayer like i used to.

i used to fast a lot...there was a time i set myself on a forty-days fast and i didnt die but now fatsing for three days seems like a lot of hardwork and even the weekly fast of one day a week seems tedious

guys!!!...i used to see relationships from an entirely, entirely different angle and now i just don't see them from that angle anymore ( u must understand that its hard for me to put that angle in words)...k i'll try, it used to be all rosy colored n perfect and all about Jesus but now i think there is no hard and fast rule to it, que sera sera

i used to think that u had to be the perfect wife (almost stepford) and have to do everything in a certain way to have the perfect family or at least to have a happy home n a faithful husband but now i just think that of a truth, no person is perfect and a man who's gonna be faithful will be faithful and if one is gonna be happy, u just have to pick someone that is indeed a soulmate!

now, the music, geez!, i used to be straight up gsopel, nothin secular but now i find that i welcome the noise of the secular, as a matter of fact, sometimes i really do like it

...i'll finish up this reality check later

brown sugar, u really gotta help me!!!

peace!

boldness na loooooong thing!!!

03rd Nov, Tuesday

Mehnnnn!!! if cringe were to be human, it woulda been me on monday, i woulda been Mineeki Cringe...or CringeBaby Shame

i blogged about my "yellow panther" experience on thursday. i ended on a note of boldness saying "shit happens" but on the monday after, it was a different matter. i almost disappeared for shame, as in, i just felt like every guy laughing in class was laughing at me and that almost killed me (who now said they weren't, i still feel like they were).

You see ehn, as i just sat down, i refused to get up from that seat and classes started from 8 and ended at 2 - i sat for 6 hrs straight!

i learnt something that i now think holds true "just when it seems like nothing can go wrong, something will"

cos just when i thought things couldn't get any worse, i mistakenly deleted my entire doocuments folder containing over 100 documents including ALL the materials for my final year project (did i mention that am a proud 500l Engineering student) and a term paper. i was to submit the proposal and term paper THAT DAY latest being the group leader of the project!!!

Geez...at this point i decided i couldnt take it, i just fell into a psychologically induced silence...i came back to my room at about 3:30 not speaking a word with a pack of food that ended up in the bin cos i lost my appetite to depression...my project group members were actually still waiting for me in the lecture area (at this point, being a bad PM was the last thing on my mind) while i was sleeping a sleep of depression...i slept till 11 o'clock (from 3:30pm). when i woke up i had to choose to die another day...like some 100 years from now!!!

rite now, am sitting on my window sill, trying to catch what little internet signals i can to get materials to build the proposal and have it ready first thing tomorrow morning as the defense starts tomorrow!!!

thanks for wishing me luck...love you too!

POP goes the hot pants!!!

Literally, it did go pop! really!.....

I had the most embarassing day on thursday, 30th Oct. You know how there are those things that happen just in a person's mind and never in reality....ok...this one occurred and i really needed for the floor to open and swallow....the witnesses up, not me!...LOL.

I have enjoyed positive, wonderful attention this semester without really meaning to, you know...the "wow, you look very nice" n "oooh, i love ur shirt", and even the whispering of funny things like "i like undoing knots" (as i was wearing a straight skirt with a knot at the back that day) from a guy who isn't so friendly with females or generous with compliments as it were. i didn't get proud so don't think that's why i fell. At least, i hope not).

Neway, my story is this....i had just bought these new pants (trousers) n i had worn them a few times without any problem but on this particular day, something somehow went terribly wrong with them...

...AND THEY SPLIT RIGHT AT THE MAIN ZONE DOWN UNDER WITHOUT MY KNOWING IT!!!

...Even as i type this blog two days after the "happening", i can't tell how long i was walking with my pants split before i finally realised it (although i think it was just before or after my visit to the buttery or the last lecturer's office). and to make matters even more "colourful", i was wearing a bright yellow underwear!!!

On this particular day, i went to more offices than i normally do...i don't even know why....ok, first, i went to see one of my lecturers to explain something in my test to him, then i went to see my project supervisor to give him feedback on the project progress, then i went to see another of my lecturers for advice on how to proceed with a certain part of my project and then to the buttery where my class guys were having a break from all the work n pressure....and you can be sure that I SAT EXACTLY OPPOSITE ALL THESE PEOPLE WITH MY LEGS OPEN!

Now, all this while, i did not have an inkling that anything had gone wrong (but thank God i wasnt wearing the string...i went straight old school with the underwear....fully full)...it was after i had left the building and got to the ATM booth, i decided to find out exactly why my pants felt loose and then... i could have fainted when i found the hole out....i cringed all the way to my hostel playing the tape of all the places i went to and the brief split-second glances (i began to imagine that i saw) in a certain direction of my body...and oh!!! i almost died. My rep!!!! My life!!! It was all over!!!

Bless, we don't have friday classes so i figured the long weekend will help forget, get over it n "heal" cos i used to think i couldn't get embarassed bu thissssss....nah....that totally cut it for an embarassing moment

But the funny thing was, I got to my hostel and as I started telling my friends, they burst into laughter and i too was almost in tears cos of the laughter (especially as someone else confessed that the same thing happened to her in 200l) and in that moment it seemed like, "ehen, kini big deal...shit happens mehn"...at least no be my undewear go be the first wey dem don see in their life and no matter what, it could have been worse (i take that as my consolation package)!!!

Peace!

befuddled!!!! when??? how???

Not that i am confused about what choice to make because the choice is made already but i feel soooo....i don't know the word. i could just say i can hear my heart screaming because of pain. Pain that i shouldnt feel but i do because its someone else's. Not just anybody's tho...his....his pain. and i don't mean "his" in THAT sense but kinda though...not really explainable. that's so hard seeing as i have to get my report ready for the defence on thursday(and it isnt even almost ready), get my project topics ready by tomorrow (oops! its 4:11AM, so that makes it today), and have my topics ready for submission by Friday. but he is in pain. how do i forget that especially when i know that it is on my account and i am kinda in forbidden pain too. this is one of those times when i feel like i should just have a format and forget(for where??...i resemble windows?)

WHEN DID LIFE GET SO COMPLICATED??? well, you could say we make it so but i do not totally agree. i just want the days of innocence, "carefreeness", free-spiritedness. i have always had one adventure or situation or the other, BUT THISSSS, it's just a lot because it got way too deep. it's like grey's anatomy with Yang and Burke or no, maybe Grey and Shepard or....i don't freaking care who!!! i just want a rewind and re-do. i need to forget but that's not what's so important... I NEED HIM TO FORGET but he just cant seem to and that crushes my heart to hear his tears-laden voice or actually see the tears in his eyes. i believe in love. i also believe in pain. and recently, i second Jarule, (Pain is Love) just in this case, Love is Pain or can you explan how you can fall in love with the wrong person or have the wrong person fall in love with you.

I thank God for His steady. He's the calm in every storm and the beauty of His love is He fights the battle AND gives YOU the victory...that's my Father and i trust Him all the way even in this...He steadies me and helps me get through situations like this and that's just why

I LOVE HIM!!!